~What do you SEE when you LOOK at me~ poetic line verse



I can’t help, but cry a river of tears. Sleep can’t be found. There are family and friends who tell me it’s all in my head, they say how doctors could miss this if I’m in this much pain, I’m crying out, but those who listen are getting fewer and fewer, and can’t you see I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. I see IC right in front of me, you don’t see me…. No all you see is a disease. It’s like I’ve been labeled, and I feel at times I don’t have a name anymore. The pain comes in like a tidal wave. At those moments I go to another time and place. The pain shoots from the top to the bottom try to sit, I try to stand, and all I need is a helping hand. I’m tired of explain, I’m tired of excuses and I miss so much. I SEE this why. Why can’t you? To me it’s my norm to you, it’s as if I’m no longer the same, and nothing hurts me more than your lack of understanding. I see why cant you! You then wonder why I break down so much and cry a river of tears that you just turn away from. You hear but you won’t listen it’s as if you don’t care. I wake so many times, I’ve lost count. There are days I admit I just want OUT. I’m fighting with all I have, but for you its never enough. There are days I feel like I live in the bathroom, unless you’ve been there with these thoughts you will never understand. So much I desire to do with ease you take for granted, like moving from room to room, and like working and eating what you want without question. You take for granted intimacy without pain. You spend your days judging what you can’t understand and assume since you can’t see it’s not real. You see what you choose. I choose to be normal; at least what’s normal for me. You choose to say you can’t see IC. Denial, anger, fear or maybe no one of the above maybe that’s all you see when you look at me. IC is not what defines me. I have a HEART that beats; I have dreams that are my own, that now seem out of reach. Do you understand any of these emotions I feel, no you just pretend it away, well I can’t IC is here to stay. Is it asking to much to just want to be able to function. Precious gifts you take for granted id give anything to who I was before this plagued my body. Can’t you see that’s all I want? All you see is a disease behind these tearful eyes of mine. Can you for once look past, into my soul, into my heart and see I’m still me. I search for answers but I can’t do it on my own. I never wanted this life, but I have no choice to make the best of what I have don’t just want to survive, I want to live I want to thrive. You think this is intense, that it’s too tough for you to deal with, but are you the one who can’t even get out of bed some days, who cry’s until there are no tears left want to step out of this body, its letting me down. My bladder feels like it’s a raging fire that refuses to be put out. I’m trying to be brave, I’m trying to carry on for those I love and   those who love me, but I really need understanding and patience some days, yes are tougher than others, just because I look ok one day doesn’t mean I ‘am ok ! It’s not that I want to isolate, I want to be the person I once was. You tell me chin up, you tell me stop the fuss, you tell me if I want change to just make it, IF only it were that easy, its not. I wouldn’t be sitting here 10 years later worse than ever.im shaking my fist at you and you and you!I’ve lost life I’ve lost years, you can’t give them back to me .I’m not asking much just a chance to live my life to smile through my tears, I reach out because I know I’m not the only one. You have a story, she has a story, and I have a story. I’m staring IC straight in the eye it won’t take me down, I have the fight inside of me. I’m still me I need you by my side. YOU finally SEE all I ask is you believe me. We will slay the dragon together. If anything comes from this, it’s my story in your hands! See you aren’t IC, there’s so much more to you. My name is Natalie and I have dreams and a destiny!

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