Could This be the Beginning of a New Beginning?



Good evening readers, my precious readers:  I know I have not written in here for quite awhile. I’m trying to stay caught up, but when you deal with multiple chronic diseases, its like you feel like you’re going to lose yourself at times, amidst each new doctor you see, each new medication that makes you feel like you’re in some kind of fog. Writing is my outlet, always has been, always will be. It’s my way of expressing what I cannot say in words, my pen speaks across the paper. I do what I do , I keep writing for all of you, I want to leave this world one day with some kind of imprint, I want to do my part by helping  as many as I can along my journey, because in my eyes, my journey is not just about myself, it’s about all of you too.
 Well early this evening, while hubby was taking a late nap I came out of the bathroom, and tears overtook me. Tears that just started falling from my eyes, I literally just fell to the ground in a heap, not because I was in intense pain at that moment, but I was crying because of a reality that hit me like a ton of bricks tonight! Let me explain what is going on in my mind of mine; well let me try to at least.
  Tomorrow is a very big day, why you ask. Because I have a very  important meeting at my urologist office to meet with a Representative  for the Intertim , yes Feb 29th at 3:00 pm and well I’m feeling all kind of emotions right now, I feel like my brain is about to explode with all the thinking its doing. It’s a question and answer time with fellow possible candidates to talk about the interstim. My thoughts right now are all jumbled together, im trying to make sense of what im feeling
  One thing I know is im really scared, not just scared, but also terrified of another big surgery. Now over the years ive had some major surgeries. I even had  a 11 hr surgery for 3 tumors( low grade cancer, fibromatosis) which they took part of my colon, 1 ft of my small intestine and ribs and muscles out, the following year I got it again, and they reconstructed my entire chest wall cavity and was in the hospital for a month with complications.
 This was a very scary time in my life, God brought me through, and this was after that I was able to go to work full time for a time and season. then  all my other health issues came to light and again had to stop working and my life was on hold again and its been like that since 09. Since then I’ve had other bladder procedures  4 hydrotensions/cystoscopys, , but its been awhile since major surgery and the  possibility of facing another big surgery not as big as when I had the cancer, but still big. Scared of complications, scared of what if it fails, what if I get my hopes up. 
 Then I said what if it works? What if I get my life back, what if I can go back to work, what if I can continue in my college education and get a college degree. Why am I so scared of the possibility that this could, maybe actually work and I could have some kind of normalcy again. Scared of what my life will look like, pain has changed me a lot, but not in a bad way, its just ive had to learn  when to say no, what I can and can’t do, I have had to put dreams on hold.
I don’t want to play the what if game .I’m just trying to let you see the real me, not just my ic, but who iam inside, my hopes, and my dreams, my laughter, and of course my tears. I want this to be sincere, but my IC family you have no idea, the impact you each have played in my life, that when I even write about it, im moved to tears.
   Is this the beginning of a new beginning for me, what do I have to loose, I know who is walking me through this, just like he walked me through my cancer and my bipolar! And brought me to a place of healing and renewal!, but its scary and I don’t want to sugar coat or lie about my feelings! Then after all those tears fell, more fell but this time for ALL of you! I wish this surgery could work for every IC patient out there, I don’t know if this is my answer, but ive run out of just about every option, and I want my life back. I feel every ounce of all your pain and ive cried every tear and I wish more than anything in this entire world that I could give you all your lives back, because God knows I would if I could in heartbeat! And YOU ALL are HEROS in my BOOK!
I don’t know if this is my answer, but I won’t know if I don’t even give it a try, to please pray for me tomorrow if you can remember! Pray for wisdom and guidance, as I make the best decision for me!
All i know is, were all doing the best we can, with what we have, and this wont be the answer for everyone, so lets love each other through our ups and downs! love unconditionally just like a real family should!

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