Going through the Emotions My IC story continues~

                                            

    I wanted nothing more than my pain to subside. I just wanted to feel ok was that too much to ask? Some doctors and some family and a few friends couldn’t understand why I was still searching for something when I had finally got my diagnosis. I was just going through the emotions, doing what I needed to do to get by. I’ve learned we can’t take the gift of our health for granted, because just like tomorrow is not promised us, neither is our health.

 IC is not simple, IC is complicated and messy. Though some doctors think they have concluded what causes it, but no doctor knows for sure what causes this horrific disease. They even disagree of what’s the best treatment, no one works for everyone. My symptoms of endometriosis matched the symptoms of IC or Interstitial cystitis. Years prior a I had fought a long hard battle of Bipolar, I was on 24 pills a day, in and out of the psych ward 9 times, that made it impossible to work and college was not even on my mind. I always thought for the longest time I was weak, I never saw myself as the strong one, but I was a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for I made it through I eventually got off all my depression meds except 2 and of course that was with doctors approval and power of prayers and support from my husband, my family and my best friends!

I finally was able to get off all my meds and start college.don told me he held my hand in his and said don’t let this beat you. You beat the depression, you will beat this too, I was ready to follow min my mother’s footsteps. She too had been a preschool teacher and I loved children, though I wanted to be a toddler teacher, so I chased that dream and grabbed it with both hands. Right before I was going to start college, another hurdle was placed before me, I found a large lump in my stomach and come to find out it was fibromatosis, a rare low grade cancer a aggressive tumor , I won’t go into all the details but that diagnosis played a big role in affecting my IC and pelvic floor disorder. That first surgery I was on the operating table for 11 hours,2 tumors, one in my stomach and one higher up. Part of my colon, 1ft of my small intestine, a few ribs and few muscles were removed  got through all that, started the process of college again and again the following year they found another tumor this time in my chest cavity and I had complications and ended up staying a month in the hospital. My fight was not over. What doesn’t kill you does make you stronger and I realized what the value of life was and that it was worth living was told I might be prone to bowl obstructions and I have severe scarring all through my body. in September  of 2005 I finally was able to walk through that college door and start that journey.

I finally was able to work, and finally found a job as a teachers assistant’s was living my dream, my passion every day I went to work, I was helping shape the minds of these precious children, that I fell in love with each one. I stood proud; I knew I wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for God.

Sadly it wasn’t long before it started to wear on my health. I did all I could to keep pushing through the pain, I did for 3 years. It wasn’t my fault, but again I felt like I had failed didn’t want to admit I couldn’t go on, for so many years my loving husband was the one to work hard and diligently and provide for us, I finally was able to help in this way, how could I come to terms with now having to stop what I loved doing and say I no longer could handle it. I worked in 2 different daycare's one for a year and the other for a year and nine months. Lot of times I never made know how much pain I truly was in, I had got very good at wearing a mask.

My good days got fewer and fewer, and farther and farther between. Sadly it was affecting my job performance. Finally in august of2009, my boss let me go she didn’t understand saw my beloved dream fall to the ground and break into a million jagged pieces. By this time the pain was almost unbearable, a sad day, but what good would tears do now? I had gone from a shell to a butterfly to now not even being able to fly. Not once did don my loving husband walk away, not once. He said Natalie this is not all there is for you, I so wanted to believe that with all my Heart. I had what I thought was a diagnosis, but I needed treatment. I didn’t want life to just pass me by, as I’m sure a lot of you reading this understand those feelings.

At the end of august Don brought me to the emergency room because my pain was just so bad. All I wanted was love, understanding and compassion. One doctor questioned my diagnosis of endometriosis, and asked why no others doctors really had said anything; he was confused how did I get that diagnosis if I had never had a lapescopemy.  I told him I got the diagnosis based on symptoms and not testing was given pain meds and sent on my way that night. Few days later the pain had intensified and again I found myself crying in the ER. Again they hired the meds and sent me on my way, told to follow up with my primary doctor. So with a heavy heart we walked out and into the unknown. Later that week we were at our church doing some things and don was in the office, and the pain finally got the best of me I rushed into the office and collapsed into dons arms, and he drooped what he was doing and said I’m taking you to the ER and not leaving until we have answers. The pain was so bad, I just wanted to let out a scream, I was nauseous and breaking out in a bad rash from the vicodin which was a severe reaction to it.

I was hooked up to IVs; I was given test after test. Finally the doctor came into the room, he could tell how much pain I was in by my expression, it was written all over my face. I didn’t just want another Band-Aid and sent on my way, I needed answers and I wasn’t leaving until I got them, threw times in the ER in one week, not ok. The doctor spoke in a kind tone and he really cared, I could see it in his eyes, he said were going to admit you and get to the bottom of this. My eyes met dons and a sigh of relief we shared truly felt this was the beginning of the end and the begging of true answers’ was given a lot of tests over the next few days while in there. They first though possibly the pain was from all the scarring I had from previous surgeries. But no that ended up not being the cause, not it would be something much worse. By the end of the week, they were no closer to a reason, than when I was first admitted. They wanted me to go into Boston and have exploratory surgery, at first it seemed wonderful I would be seeing some of the best doctors in the country. Then it hit us, is that really the best course of action, more surgery, more scarring, and they didn’t even know what they were looking for. So our hope of the beginning slowly faded, As if nothing had been accomplished. So I made a appointment the following day with my primary doctor and we put our heads together and she referred me into Boston mass general gynecology department. Little did I know the truth of what was really plaguing my body was closer than I thought?