The Depression that Comes with Chronic illiness~

                    This entry was very tough to write, because for years I struggled with Bipolar, some know this, many do not. My bipolar has been stable for years; I went from being on 24 pills a day to none for quite some time with my doctor’s approval, to now on 2 meds. Then when my world turned upside down when I started dealing with my physical health, it affected my depression, because I went from working outside the home, as a toddler teacher and being in college full time, to now unable to work. I had to out my life on hold. This was heartbreaking because I had to stop something I had such a passion for, and that was working with children.

                     The last few days, I was having a tough time, it’s as if I go through phases with this disease, I’m not angry anymore. But I do get depressed when I think, of how much my husband struggles at his job, he works so hard, he is a hard working man, no matter what he does; he puts his heart and soul into it. I ask myself why I can’t work, take some of that burden off of him, but when I mention this to him, he looks at me and says, Natalie you do what you can, he truly understands.

                  What happens though when the depression does not lift, and it runs deep and seeps into your very being of who you are, and the thoughts of ending this struggle start to cloud your thoughts. This is a very real issue with those who suffer with chronic illness, and not only do we need to stay on top of our own emotional well being, but be aware of those in our lives who deal with this too.

                  There are days it drains the very life out from me body, I feel like I’m fading away, trying to grasp onto anything that I can. You are not alone in these feelings, chronic pain can be relentless. There are days I want to just keep crying, but once I start, those tears don’t stop flowing. Those days, that maybe it’s the pain that makes me unable to get out of bed, but there are days, the pain is so much and the emotions run deep. And my tears are my food. See your not the only one, we know that, but it helps to hear others speak their experience.

               We may feel guilt follow the depression and if we experience fleeting suicidal thoughts because we know our spouse needs us, our children need us, family and our precious friends. In my case, we don’t have children, the baby we had I lost in a miscarriage back in 99.We have a goddaughter Mia who is almost 5 who is our world, our nephew her brother hunter, who is 9. These children are our world; we could not love them more, if they were our very own. We have to grab a hold of these precious reasons to keep fighting this fight.

           Remember we all break down, we all cry, we can’t always hold it all inside, we have to let those feelings out and talk to those we love and trust, and let them into our pain. I know this disease and the toll it takes on us, can try to take the light and color from our eyes. What do we do when we feel not only exhausted from the inside out, but our mind is tired of trying to figure it all out, when our hope feels like its slipping through our fingertips? I’m learning through this struggle of chronic illness, not to beat myself up, when I have a breakdown of sorts, when I feel tired, in all sense of the word.

            My faith gives me strength to persevere, I want Christ to use me to reach others, and do it through my pain. I think if Psalm 23…He restores me soul….. And when I feel weary and overwhelmed, I find comfort in the psalms. The Lord knows our fight, and he is fighting the battle for us, right alongside us, our pain is his pain and he sees every tear that falls from our eyes.

            I know this because I dealt with the stigma of  having mental illness, but when physical pain makes you depressed and your feeling hopeless, and those thoughts try to take over in your mind, its vitally important to speak out, seek help, there is No shame in getting help, no matter what disease we have, there is help out there. Talk to a therapist or a pastor, please, your life is so so valuable to God and to those in your life, I know some of you don’t have good relationships with your family or maybe you don’t have them anymore, let your IC sisters and brothers be your family, the family you may no longer or don’t have.

                 That’s why it’s so important we raise awareness for IC, because we don’t want another precious life to be lost, because the depression was just too much and it takes them, from this life, a life of so much Potential and Beauty and Purpose .I can’t emphasize this enough how LOVED YOU are! we all have our times when we sink into this hole, just know there are those who are willing to come along side you  and pull you out and love you through the entire process. I found a awesome quote  not by me and it says: your best times comes from your biggest struggles~ ive found this to be true, because its through all my pain, that God is bringing people and opportunities into my life to help to share my story and  spread hope.