Understanding Intimatcy~

                          Earlier today I was sitting on my couch and I started reflecting and thinking how grateful I’m to have such a understanding spouse, to help me in this  very tiresome  and painful journey. I was thinking back to what had transpired a few nights ago with my husband. It had played over before, and yet I always get the same response from him. Some of you might wonder what im referring to, others will know right away. Yes intimacy, that subject that for some, is taboo, others it hard to address; only because it bring up painful feelings, that you don’t want to have to deal with.

                                 Coming from someone who has been married for 15 years and someone who has to deal with IC, it’s my reality, I can’t run from it and I can’t hide. Part of every healthy marriage is intimacy, but its so much more than just the physical closeness, yes I’m talking about emotional closeness and spiritual closeness as well.

                         Yet on the physical part, its very tough to take part in this, when the very thing that is suppose to bring you together as one, causes pain. Its tough when it hurts, so you can’t have it, or you don’t have the closeness with your spouse, that you crave so the desire isn’t there.

                       One of the nights recently, the pain overtook the feelings, and I broke down in tears. I had to stop,  I felt guilty and shame and of course angry at myself, that I couldn’t give myself to him in that way. I tried with all my might to hold in the tears, but one by one; they brimmed in the corner of my eyes and before I knew it, were rolling down my face.

                    My loving husband took my face into his hands and cupped it ever so gently. I could feel the love radiate from his loving eyes, He knew what my heart, felt, he knew the hurt behind my eyes. He sensed it in every form of the word. He then took his hand and wiped those tears away.

                     This is not something any of us want, we want that closeness, and we desire it. We ask why can’t I just be normal, why does this disease try to come between the person I love .Remember  though intimacy is so much more than just  sexual, its  a bond, its  a deep connection, its loving words, its understanding, it’s a smile, a hand to hold yours, or a gentle kiss. No better feeling when the man you love takes you into his arms, and you feel safe, you feel the heartbeat in rhythm with yours.

                      I know not every woman reading this , has  a loving spouse to understand them, and my heart breaks for you, I lift you up in prayer as I type this. I pray for your relationships, I pray for the understanding to grow and blossom in that relationship. Knowing that intimacy goes much deeper than  how we please our spouse, you can still grow together as a couple, be open, be honest , share your hearts desires, your longings and your heartaches together, as One.try not to be hard on yourself, I sympathize its not a easy task.

                    You’re a fighter, you’re a beautiful warrior. When our bond deepens and we grow, we come to realize that True intimacy can be so much MORE, and the closeness you will have exceeds what you can possibly imagine. Be gentle with yourself, your not expected to have it all together. Lets encourage each other on this journey. Thank you for walking alongside me on mine.